Success was my Heroin

I used to crave success.

That external thing outside me that would validate me, make me feel worthy. That potent potion that would make everything feel ‘good and okay’.

In my 20’s my pursuit of success led me into the dark alleys of a workaholic. It took me down the rabbit-hole of struggle. You have to work hard for success, right? That’s what I’d been told growing up.  I pushed and forced to get my way. It led to burnout. Twice.

Life was black and white. Everything measured as either Success or Failure. Like a warrior, I doggedly pursued the success, like a coward I ran from failure.

In my 30’s as I embarked on my spiritual journey, I tried to find more balance.

I created big dreams and goals, this time with soul. Yet still, many of these created stress, tension and sometimes feelings of failure – The ‘shadow-side‘ of goal-setting.

I was still too focused on the external and the conditionality of our societally created successes paradigms:

“When I have this, then I’ll be happy.”

“When I achieve that, then I’ll feel successful.”

I was chasing the elusive success dragon.

Whatever I did, whatever I accomplished – starting businesses, selling businesses, being a best-selling author, receiving awards – it was never enough.

I didn’t trust life to support me. If something was going to happen, I needed to make it happen.
In 2013, I reached a turning point. My business partner, Timea, catalyzed it. She suggested that we drop the struggle and try a ‘Flow Experiment’.

“Let’s live in Flow,” she declared.

For the first time, I got very quiet. I relaxed and simply listened. I connected deeply with myself. I listened to the moment and felt the true expression of what was arising. I moved from that place.

My “should’s”, “have to’s”, “must do’s” – I let them go.

I followed my desire to spend 5 months of winter in a warm climate. I surfed every morning.  As I immersed myself in the ocean I focused on being – being present, being in my body. This beingness rippled into my day – being a woman, being creative, being fully self-expressed, being inspired, being authentic.

A wise teacher at the time commented:

“Most people think they NEED something because they don’t have it.  It is actually because they need it that they don’t have it.”

As I sank deeper into being, the ‘doing’ and ‘action’ spontaneously arose from my centre. My doing was no longer originating from my addiction, desperation or need, it was coming from my core. I was doing out of being.

Now as I practice Living Flow

I simply get present and allow ‘what is’ to flow through me. It is a constant awareness.

The result has been a lightness, an ease, an effortlessness, a magic that now permeates my life. Life has my back. Living Flow has dissolved the struggle.

Now life has become about deeply living the depth of each moment, whatever it brings.

Fascinatingly the success I always craved is flowing to me, in ways that are completely unexpected. Even more interesting, is that I no longer need it. I’m worthy, satisfied and fulfilled with or without it.